DJ’n LGBTQ+ Weddings with Tori Vee – E132

Welcome everybody to the wedding songs podcast. I am Matt Campbell today. We’re going to be talking about LGBTQ weddings and to help me along with that is Tori Vee from Washburn Entertainment based in New York State

Welcome to the show Tori Hello, I’m happy to be here. I’m so happy that you are helping me, talk about this topic that, some could consider controversial, but I don’t think so. We’re just going to have a regular conversation about it. I don’t know if it’ll be regular. It might be a little gay. Okay. It might, it might be a little gay, Matt. We’re just all happy.

Heartfelt Wedding Moment

Just to get started, I always ask, can you provide a memorable or heartwarming wedding moment? Oh, man, probably this wedding I did last year for this couple and we used TVs and I don’t really like DJing with music videos because it’s just one extra thing that could go wrong in my opinion. But for this particular wedding. Her father had passed away when she was young and she’s from Staten Island. So we had video from her sweet 16, which was basically a wedding, because Staten Island and, in that video, she danced with her father to butterfly kisses. So I kind of creatively looped that video.

Of her dancing with her dad and also her other family members came in her brother came in all those people Came in and it was correlated in the time with the video. Where on the video of when you saw her mom come in her mom would come in and dance with her in real time. When you saw her brother come in and then at the end, they were all dancing together. But I kind of put the regular version of Butterfly Kisses over the video and it came in and the DJ was introducing the father, but then as it came out, it back sold them.

Right. And it was, selling her father’s name and saying her father’s name, dancing with, with Brittany. And I just thought that that was, it was really heartwarming. I mean, I was a bucket of tears, just crying. everybody was, it was. Probably one of the most heart wrenching, heartwarming things I’ve ever done and experienced and held space for.

I think that technology has really helped DJs through the years where exactly what you’re saying, they’ll interloop their vows into their dance or something into it. And I think that that just adds so much more to that moment. Yes, and her family didn’t know she was going to do that. So we had that extra benefit of just like, them being so surprised that that happened. So it was almost like he was there with us. Which was cool.

Meet Tori Vee

Awesome. So can you just introduce yourself to all the listeners? Yes. Hello. I am DJ Tori Vee I am from Houston originally, and then I was a transplant to Ithaca, New York, where I went to Ithaca College. And that’s actually how I met Chris Washburn, who was the college DJ, but that’s not how our story got started.

We met when he was the college DJ bar manager at Mooney’s, Moonshadow back then. and this was around 2000 In between 2011 to 2015, but he and I didn’t really kind of get together and get to know each other until I want to say like 2018.and then I was a musician before I was a DJ.

I’ve been playing guitar and just other instrumentation for about 22 years. So pretty much most of my life been involved in music. I always was the person with the aux cord I made mixtapes, so many mixtapes, and mix CDs and just like. Listen, everyone was using LimeWire, which was great, but the real way to do it, the real people know that it was Firefox with the download helper plugin.

Yeah, I said Firefox. Plugin to download from playlist. com to download the songs without viruses. Always listen to music. And then of course, just moved to Buffalo recently in the last few years. I got engaged this year, to my wonderful fiance, who’s the reason why I moved to Buffalo and just been kind of trying to expand the market here.

There are lots of great folks out here doing some wonderful things. And I think that there’s an, I have a little bit of an added edge to the, the way that we approach things. I love video games. I love music. I, we have three cats. One will probably pop up here at some point or another. and I think that’s, I think that’s it, actually.

Playing Guitar at Weddings

Then I have a couple of questions for you based on that. A lot of DJs now are incorporating musicians into their sets. Are you playing the guitar as well as DJing wedding? So I will, sometimes DJ cocktail I’ll play acoustic, live acoustic for ceremony. it’s really great. We had this one wedding, which was so epic to have the guitarist who was actually in my band, as well as one of my friends, who’s a really good drummer.

And we’ve also played some shows together. so it was like guitarist and drummer. And so it felt like I was like a band leader again. But I will say. It’s easier to go from guitar hands to DJ hands versus DJ hands to guitar hands, because one of them is much more heavy on, sort of working unilaterally versus the others that are bilaterally working kind of things simultaneously, if that makes any sense.

Yeah. That’s interesting. I never thought about, the finger positions. Yes. Yes. And just the way your brain processes. Music and whatnot, even just going up and typing. It’s like, ah, how do I do this?

Differences in North NY Wedding Music

Another question you were from Ithaca, is the music all that different from Ithaca to Buffalo? I truthfully have not been in, you know what? Yes, I will say it is. Ithaca is very much roots, reggae, jam band kind of like. Funk kind of things. And I’m noticing a lot more alternative here in Buffalo, a lot younger of a scene, a lot more open to like rock and punk and just pop in general.

But in Ithaca, it is very much, and I had a hard time with my band actually, cause we were very grungy and rocky and it was almost like we didn’t have a place. So we’d be in a lineup with other bands and it’s like, you’ve got this reggae band, then you’ve got this neo soul funk band, and then like me.

Rocking out and it’s developed, I think a little bit more now, but for the most part, it does lean very heavy towards reggae and whatnot, but a lot of white boy reggae, you know what I mean? That’s interesting because in the grand scheme of things of popularity, rock is not in the top three.

So it’s interesting that you say rock. Of course, pop punk is huge right now, but yeah, you don’t hear about rock music very often. Let’s get started a little bit on our topic.

Languaging for Same-Sex Weddings

In your experience, what is the proper language to describe same sex marriages or weddings? Same sex marriages. I mean, it’s a marriage, it’s a wedding, it’s just a wedding. So, you can say. If I’m talking to my couples, I’ll say I did a hetero wedding or I’ve done a gay wedding, I’ll say, when I’ve done gay weddings, this is what I’ve done in the past, or if I’m talking to, a same sex couple, I’ll say like, oh, you know, at some of my hetero weddings, this is what happens.

And actually, even when I’m talking to a hetero couple. A straight couple. I think straight can be a loaded word. So I just say hetero because I think heteros, it’s also how you say it. So if you’re saying it from a demeaning standpoint, which I know that there are some folks who are also in the alphabet mafia who can be a little bit, a little bit hateful and not quite, gentle when it comes to folks of their sexuality.

And the irony of course, is that they want to be accepted, but then can’t accept others. but I usually will say in hetero weddings, this is typically how it goes because I don’t want to gender and always say well, this is what grooms usually do. This is what brides usually do.

This is what a groom will do or a bride will do because then you’re kind of giving yourself only one mindset when you’re talking about weddings. So I guess. To answer your question, it literally is just the most generalized as possible.

LGBTQ+ as a Describer

What are your thoughts on the term LGBTQ+ and then the longer version of that, just what are your thoughts on using that as a describer? For me personally, it doesn’t really matter to me. Like it really, it doesn’t matter to me. I think getting caught up in the semantics of it, as long as people are trying, that’s kind of really what, what matters.

And I don’t know if you know the origin of the Y, the L is first versus the G. No. So it originally was GLBT back in the day. But then when the AIDS crisis came out and it was very much lesbians versus gay men, and it was they weren’t working together at that time.

And then when the AIDS crisis came to be, it was the lesbians who were doing a lot of the protesting. It was the lesbians who were, who were the nurses who were protecting. So then in honor of that, they switched it so that it was LGBT. And then of course, as things have gone by, it’s like, it’s gotten way more intense, but I’ll just say like LGBTQ+ community, a queer community, because we have reclaimed the queer word.

But if you are talking to someone who is an older gay, they might struggle with that because queer was such a bully thing back in the day. So I think it just depends on the context and who you’re talking to, for the most part, LGBTQ+ community, the gay community and whatnot.

Oh, thanks. I’m part of that older generation where the Q word is definitely seen as a negative word. Yeah, now it’s like, no, I’m queer. Like, I’m genderqueer. I’m queer. Where, what doesn’t bother us anymore.

Matt DJing Lambda Alliance Events

Okay. Just to give you a little bit of background of me and my college days, when I first started DJing my company in the early nineties, I remember DJing college and one of my favorite dances every year, or actually it became a regular gig once Lambda Alliance in Montana.

And those were some of the. Most outrageous and fun parties that we ever did. So, I was around that community, even, even in Montana where the gay community is not pronounced as much. So. It’s interesting, like being around repressed folks and not, and I’m sure that coming from a place like that, and then going to a place like Vegas where like everyone is just whoever the hell they want to be. It’s probably still in some way a culture shock. Oh, yes. You could walk down, Fremont Street and still be in shock. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Challenges of Gay Weddings

What unique challenges or considerations should a wedding DJ know for gay weddings? It’s a great question. What unique challenges should DJs be aware for, for gay weddings?

I think the weight of what it means to have a gay wedding because we haven’t been legally able to do this. nationally for 10 years. It’s like it’s 10 years no, no, 10 years next year. I think it was 2015 that it was, legal everywhere. It’s been illegal in New York for a while.

It’s been legal in some States for a while, but for everywhere for it to be nationally recognized, it hasn’t even been 10 years. So I would say the biggest thing is understanding the weight of what it means, because not even 10 years ago, could people actually get married legally everywhere?

And, when you’re approaching a gay wedding. When you understand that fact and thinking about Oh my God, I can’t imagine having to protest for literally this thing of having a piece of paper with somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can’t even imagine the fact of, of all those people who, who died not being able to marry or all those people who were denied being able to go in the hospital during the AIDS crisis because they weren’t legally recognized or it was taboo.

It’s happened before here with some nurse. My fiance, sliced her finger open and she was trying to tell them about me as her contact. And they were like, okay, so your friend. Right. And she was like, no, my partner, what? Luckily some nurse was like, I’m so sorry about that.

That was terrible. But the point is people, the weight of understanding what it means to be able to have that as the first thing. The second thing is recognizing that traditions for. the LGBTQ+ community, Legitimacy, alphabet mafia, if you will, are going to look a little bit different than in hetero weddings and I try to encourage my couples to not adjust themselves for what is heteronormative, but to rather find a place for themselves, find something that makes sense for them because it’s not that they have to shift and maneuver themselves into this tight position that’s very, Patriarchal and heteronormative and all those words that are, very oppressive for anyone involved in a wedding

New Traditions

Not just, brides, but rather making new traditions and taking the meaning of some of those traditions and events and special, opportunities and making them their own, and trying to let go of the weight of trying to conform to what is expected of them because people haven’t seen maybe what they’ve done before.

Does that make sense? Absolutely. honestly, I would say that to every couple that was getting married, sitting in front of me that I can’t tell you how many weddings where you’ll go to the wedding and the first dance is, can I have this dance by Anne Murray, and it’s like, is this really your song?

No, it’s because their parents picked it. Like you’re saying the box, and I think that that’s actually really changing as well, where you don’t see the bouquet tosses, the garter tosses, all, all of those things but I think in your scenario that make it your wedding.

It’s your day. And you’re absolutely correct. I tell the hetero couples the same thing. I tell my straight couples the same thing where it’s listen, you’re going to feel all of these familial obligations. It’s almost worse than hetero relationships because you have all of that weight of the generations before you who have these expectations and they’re putting them on you.

And that’s with grooms, with brides, with everybody and just like the roles that you feel like you have. So in my meetings with my couples, we go over a lot of that stuff. And what I love to do with them is expectation management. And that includes expectations of interactions with people, and trying to empower them to feel like their best self. Because at the end of the day, when they see those pictures, they’re going to think back to that day.

So if we can do what we can to prepare them for one of the most stressful, blissful, joyful experiences that they’re going to have, then they know that they can do anything, especially in the modern age, if they can plan a wedding together and stay together.

Dealing with Family Challenges

Absolutely. And I think one of the challenges the LGBTQ+ community experiences that a hetero relationship does not, is the challenge of family not attending the wedding.

Because they don’t support the relationship and that the stories I’ve, I’ve heard is, it’s difficult it’s, sad that the couples have to go through those. Yes, and to be vulnerable with you, we are struggling with that as we go through our own wedding and our own invites.

Creating Inclusive Atmosphere

I think that’s a great transition into can you share some examples of how you’ve created a welcoming and inclusive atmosphere for everybody at the wedding? yes, actually, I think just my existing. I’m not going to lie. There’ve been lots of folks who have been disarmed by just the way that I look and present myself. because even though I am, masculine, I do have a lot of feminine features and I think that the fact that I’m masculine enough to where I’ve been in weddings that are in kind of in the Pensantucky area.

And I’ve been worried before and I’ve had some people say some things and enact a certain type of way towards me. But at the same time, I have had people be like, man, I’ve never talked to anyone like you before. I didn’t know that. Just having those kinds of conversations with people who don’t normally get to have conversations with people who look like you.

I do think that that alone and being open to the conversation, I’m very much more into call in culture versus call out culture. And so I think being open and willing to have the conversations, give them a hug and just represent what love means. I think that immediately creates an atmosphere of acceptance, the radical acceptance, so to speak.

That’s interesting you say that because everybody’s going to relate to people that are like them and I think that that goes culturally across every type of wedding. Yes, and I think with my couples as well. I just had a meeting with a couple and We talked about another way to help make, make people feel comfortable in potentially same sex weddings is to ask how they want to be referred because even though it is exciting to be a bride or a groom on the special day, not everybody feels like a bride or feels like a groom.

Getting to Know the Couple

So I think in England it’s bridegroom is actually what the groom is called. There’s bride and then there’s bridegroom. So I had this conversation with this couple, and this is the first meeting too, and this is what happens sometimes is we can be, 80 percent talking about getting to know someone and really getting to know them and then 20%, Hey, this is what we do for planning, like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, because I think it’s, it’s more important to build that trust and that relationship when you’re, when your job is to cultivate emotions, and in such an important and high-risk sort of way.

So making sure that they feel comfortable enough to trust you to do so, and that you feel comfortable with them, is the most important thing. that being said, a lot of people do get emotional in our first meeting because we go deep and have that conversation and they’re not sure they haven’t come out to their family yet as non-binary.

They don’t know about their gender. They’re still trying to figure things out. And so they started getting emotional about it. And so I brought up the bride group thing and I said, listen, we don’t need to know this right now. Okay. We do not need to have this answer right now.

I want to put this out there for you to think about it. And I just said, there’s no wrong answer at all for how you want to be referred or not want to be referred. and then. That brings the question where it’s are you okay being called a wife? Are you okay being called a husband? All these types of things.

And for a lot of folks who are, you know, feminine presenting, and they marry a woman and they’re fine. There’s like, no, that’s my wife. I have someone who is, who’s non-binary and they said that the only person who’s allowed to call me wife is my wife. That’s the only person that can do that.

Anyone else, it’s not the same. But I will say that just asking people how they want to be referred to and not taking offense to when it’s, it’s going to be an adjustment for you. That’s going to, that’s the hardest part. Cause it’s like, well, why don’t you want to be called this? This is all these traditions, all this, all that, and whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s their wedding. What’s going to make them feel the most special. What’s going to make them feel like, the royalty of the day, right?

Traditions Are Changing

That takes me on a, what exactly what I’m thinking too, that the maid of honor, it can be a man, it doesn’t have to be a flower girl.

And I think that that has really changed over, I would say the last 10, 20 years that I think it’s becoming more accepting and, hopefully people’s beliefs are changing in that way too. Yes, flower person, best person, the last week in the matron of honor, at this wedding, she, had to be the officiant because the original officiant had a baby that week.

So she became the matron of ministry. I’ve had the best woman, the best man, calling people out as the best people. Whatever it is, there’s no wrong way to do it. I just think that people get caught up in their own traditions and because it doesn’t look the same, they have a hard time that doesn’t feel the same, but when you recognize that, it’s not the words that have the meaning, it’s rather the meaning we put to the words that it makes things a lot more of a compassionate and joyful and communal experience when you can cultivate those emotions with those words, even though it’s not what you normally say.

Even in those examples too, the people that are closest to you will understand exactly what’s happening and why it’s special to you. The heck with everybody else. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I always say newlyweds. Sometimes I’ll say bride and groom, but it’s, it’s always first names and newlyweds before titles unless they’re okay with titles.

Cause I do ask them are you okay if I call you bride and groom every now and then? Cause that’s, that is one of your titles for the day or father of the bride or mother of the bride, and then after that, it’s formalities are over and then it’s first name. And Janet’s on the dad’s floor or Oh, look, it’s Janet and Sue.

There’s some co-parenting, I don’t know. It just depends on your intention, like your context and whatnot. It’s so important to use first names. It just gives that personal touch to the reception. Even if you’re saying bride and groom the whole time, it’s like, Oh, Do you know who they are?

Who are they? Are you at the right wedding? Right. It’s like when you get on a plane, we’re just to make sure we’re headed to New York city. Exactly. Exactly. and then it’s more of I want to feel like the friend that’s DJing your wedding. And that’s something that I tell my couples too. And that’s why we do all the meetings that we do.

That’s why we have the conversations that we have because it’s just so. Draining and it is just not fulfilling when you are just another bill to be paid on that day when there’s no care and consideration when there’s no relationship that’s been built where it’s you truly understand what it means to show up for these people on this day because you spent the time to create and nourish that relationship.

And I’m still friends with so many of my couples, it’s wild. It really is wild. they feel like that’s why we have to do a small wedding because it would literally just be me inviting most of my couples from the last three or four years to the wedding. It’s either 50 people or 350. It’s not, there’s no in-between.

It’s so funny you say that because I could judge how good a DJ is by exactly what you’re saying. How many DJs I’ve had on the podcast that said, yeah, we’re still friends years later. They’re having babies and doing all these things and I’m like. That’s when you know you have a good DJ. Mm hmm. One of my couples sent me a pregnancy announcement.

They were like, what’s your address? We want to send you something. I was like, that’s so sweet. And they sent me this thing with an ultrasound. I’m oh my God, what? and then when I become a marriage counselor in the next five to seven years, I’ll be hey guys, how you doing? Remember all the basically counseling we did in our meetings? It’s now it’s real.

Know the Historical Significance

So in your experience, what are some ways wedding DJs can be more mindful when working with LGBTQ couples? In what sense? I would say in planning the wedding and also just the verbiage that’s used at the reception.

I know we covered that a little bit already, but, in just trying to make them feel comfortable and everybody else at the wedding and reception feel comfortable to this is a multifaceted question. So it always starts with you. So if you have any biases towards people, when you’re going into a meeting with the same, you need to get rid of that immediately, because that is going to come through and you’re not going to be able to be your most genuine self.

So the first thing is can I actually do this wedding to the performance that they deserve. That is the first question you need to answer. And if the answer is no, then you’re not available for that day or send it to someone, you know, who can, or even ask for help. If you really want to do this, you really like these people, but you’re like, I’ve got these biases that I don’t know what’s going on.

You really need to look inside yourself. The second thing is you need to understand the root of the traditions that are at weddings because a lot of them are rooted in, here’s my daughter and also 17 goats and three acres of land. Wow. Thank you so much for taking her off our hands. Amazing. A lot of it is very much like that and people auctioning off the garter.

The whole fact of the cake, being the thing that the bride brought around to every single person there. And the tradition of cutting the cake wasn’t even really a thing for a long time. It was mostly all functional. and then the groom’s cake is because the groom at some point.

Back in the day, they were like, Oh, you know what? I should probably help with this too. let me cut and help pass out some cake as well. So understanding the traditions and their roots can help you to brainstorm ways, to make them more modern and more effective. Now, understanding the traditions and the.

Terrible ones, right? That are by today’s standards, of course, and then how they’ve evolved and what they mean. It’s more important to understand the evolution of that because then you can take that knowledge and brainstorm with them. So, for example, like the cake cutting, it doesn’t have to be a cake.

It could be literally anything. It could be a donut. It could be pizza. It could be what it could be an ice cream scoop. Who cares? when it comes to doing parent dances, on our planning sheet, we just say family dance. We don’t even say parent dance anymore, for the bouquet toss.

I have a wedding with the same-sex couple and, one of them wants to toss their bouquet or do a fake out and then hand their bouquet to their mom, while the other one wants to toss something, but they don’t have a bouquet. So I was like, dude, why don’t you grab a Nerf ball and throw the Nerf ball?

And then there you go. You get to throw something it’s so fun. So you can still have the things where that you’re doing, but finding ways that make sense for your couple. And helping them to create new traditions within the space that’s there versus trying to fit in something that doesn’t mold it goes back to like what we talked about in the beginning, which is that the world, the wedding world should adjust itself to you.

You don’t adjust yourself to the wedding world. That’s everything. Everything is very much, to the needs of the couple. the third thing would be to just ask. How do you want to be referred? And sometimes, and this is why the first one’s so important, because sometimes you may get in a conversation that they’re not quite ready for yet.

Where they haven’t come out to their family where it’s you can refer to me to this on this day, but just that’s just because of my family. And then that means in your meetings, you’re going to not refer to them in that way. But on the day of, you’re going to honor their wishes.

So, for example, I had a, a couple who was straight presenting, but, On the day of the bride, they said that to use she, her pronouns, because they hadn’t come out to their family yet. And so it’s, that’s the thing too, is that bisexuality is not represented well. It’s underrepresented. That’s what I was getting to. It’s underrepresented in so many ways. So even couples that present as straight are often times not. You can’t always judge. so I would say just ask, ask about pronouns, ask if they want to be referred to as bride groom, if they want to be referred to as, as brides and grooms, or just what makes sense for them and then be prepared with options.

Be prepared with ideas, not accepting because they don’t know. They have never planned a wedding before. They don’t know. So you’re the expert. So the more knowledge that you have going into it about the traditions, you could even call it a non binary bride, queen, they could be your royalty for the day, right?

You could have your Kings and your Queens. Whatever it is, just ask and have the conversation. And. If you’re not willing to have the conversation that in, in and of itself is the reason why you should not take that wedding. So that’s. Long-winded, but I hope that answered your question.

Be Prepared

There’s two things I wanted to cover on that. The first one is just because I’m just a DJ who hasn’t DJ’d a gay wedding before. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t or that you can’t. And I think that, That’s like you were saying, just go in prepared, having those open conversations with your couple and just curtail your music and the style that you are to their personalities and the way that they believe.

Another thing too, is that biases are inherent. A lot of people who look like you, unfortunately to you are kind of a**holes to people like us and they have a bad rap. And it’s like going in and knowing. If I DJ a wedding, with a lot of people of color, I already know there’s going to be stuff that I don’t know because I didn’t grow up the same way that they did.

So I’m going to ask, I’m going to use resources and whatnot. but for. DJing, a gay wedding as a straight person, you have to understand that there’s stuff that you’re going to miss too, nuances and whatnot. And understanding that if you’re, a straight white dude, it’s going to be a lot harder for you and they’re going to not feel as vulnerable as quick.

So acknowledging that. The fact that, I know what I look like, I really want to do this for you, and also being understanding, I understand if you don’t want to work with me because of this reason, and basically saying things like, people like me have done some pretty things, so I think acknowledging the bias and working through it versus pretending like it’s not there is Definitely a great way to get yourself into a good positioning and it’s a learning opportunity.

It’s not their job to necessarily teach you. but if you’re vulnerable and you’re like, I really want to do this. I like y’all so much, but there’s just so much that I’m going to educate myself on. And I know what I look like and whatnot. If you have a connection with them, genuinely, it’s likely that they will work with you. And you’re going to know if they signed the contract or not. Exactly. Exactly.

Why You Do What You Do

The other thing that you mentioned, I thought was very interesting was the traditions and the history and what one of my favorite examples is, The Catholic background of during Lent, you don’t eat meat on Fridays. And the reason behind that is because all of the fishermen at that time were doing terrible.

And so they wanted to get everybody away from beef and eating fish. So that’s how that came about. So knowing the background and whether you want to have that at your wedding is perfectly acceptable. And now it’s more of a representation of self control and being able to sort of maintain that chastity when it comes to meat or whatever the heck is you choose to have For abstaining for faith purposes or what have you or building a good habit or breaking a habit, and whatnot, but it’s no longer about the fishermen it’s no longer contextual or societal.

It now has meaning to it because we don’t live in those contexts anymore. And the same can be said for parent dances. Or the fact that only has to be the groom only has to speak or the best man has to speak. If your best man is a public speaker, do not make him speak.

Do not I’m sorry. Absolutely not. Have another one of your groomsmen do it. It’s fine. It’s not that big of a deal, but people feel like I have to do this. no, pick the best speaker to tell the best stories. Are they your best man? Who cares? No. It doesn’t matter. So we definitely have to talk about music.

Filling the Dance Floor

Do you have any specific tips for creating a killer dance floor experience for gay couples who might have different dance styles or preferences?

Oh, that’s tough because it’s Pride and I’ve been deejaying a lot of Pride events. I can tell you that my style is very much like gay man. I want to, I want to dance. I want to just be happy and feel in my nostalgia bones. I want to sing songs that top my lungs type of vibe. And then you’ve got your a** shaking gays who want to get down to Sexxy Red and Megan Thee Stallion and whatnot.

And finding out what kind of gays your people are. That’s the first thing you got to find out, are they the ratchet gays or are they like the disco gays? Then of course there might be musical gays, right? There’s your rock lesbians.

There’s so many different sub genres here. And then of course you’ve got your gay pop Chappell Roan and you’ve got your Muna and Troye Sivan and so many people who were just queer artists or artists who are adjacent. Like Whitney Houston is not a queer artist, but we love Whitney, right?

So people who were like that, who have always embraced us, Madonna, right? Madonna is not gay, but the gays love Madonna. Understanding some history, understanding it’s about playing music that, makes people happy, right? Makes them gay. No, it’s about knowing your artists, knowing who your people are and knowing, cause not every gaze fit into the same box.

It’s very much it just depends. And for the most part, a lot of the classic gay hits are Somewhat adjacent to wedding hits, but it’s how you play them and how you set them in your set. I would say too, it’s, it’s about the performance as well. Cause you could play all the right songs, but if you’re stone face up there and you are not shaking your butt, I’m sorry, it’s not going to work.

You need to have fun. You need to shake your butt. You need to interact with the crowd. You need to let a queen come up on you need to be open because if you’re going to be closed off like that, they’re going to feel it and it’s not going to be fun. I’m sure people can still have fun.

But for the most part, it’s about performance. It’s about knowing what kind of gays are there, what kind of music they like, and not relying, not relying on your staples. It’s raining men. How many, oh, that’s such a great song though. It is such a good song.

It’s so gay. It’s so good. That’s how I opened up a dance floor actually for a gay wedding. It was fantastic. So good. Actually. Yeah. For the era. I agree. That is a great party starter. Yeah. It’s good. And Rigoza made an amazing at it. It’s short. Cause that song is so long.

And that’s not quite quantized. So mixing in and out of it, it can be a little bit wonky at times. So made a really great edit. Really great edit.

Just as a tangent question, when couples are picking out their first dance, how important do you think that it tells their story? Cause I’m just thinking of most popular music.

Gay Couple Selecting First Dance Song

That’s top. Number ones is talking about a man and a woman in a relationship and for a gay wedding, how important do you think that first dance song is not like that. I think it’s whatever the couple loves. I think it’s whatever makes sense for them. I’ve had it gone either way.

A wedding. I did this past month. they danced to Imagine by Ben Platt, right? I’ve got another, it’s such a beautiful song. Another wedding, they’re dancing to Brandy Carlisle because of Brandy Carlisle is really big for them. another wedding they’re dancing to, I think a cover of a song too.

There’s oftentimes covers of songs, by different artists, a Taylor Swift, It just depends on them. I think most important thing is that they feel represented and that they don’t have to fit into a box because if the song is originally sung about a woman for a man or a man for a woman but they still resonate with that song who’s to say that that song doesn’t matter to them.

I think it really is up to the couple and how they want to be best represented. Cause that’s what we’re there to do. We’re there to help empower them and represent them and help tell their story. That being said, I’ve had weddings where they wanted a lesbian nineties, two thousands, alt hour.

So your Melissa Etheridge and your Indigo girls and your Tracy Bonham your Sarah McLachlan, all these people and Sarah McLachlan is even gay, but I don’t know if the gays love her. So just stuff like that to incorporate culture, but only at what makes sense for the couple, what makes sense for them.

Don’t force it. Just whatever, makes sense for them. That’s interesting I think in talking about what music that’s played It’s interesting how many of the artists are? Gay that are in the playlist.

Managing DJ Crates

Do you separate your crates that way as a DJ? Yeah No, I don’t.  I have a pride crate and there’s a lot of gay stuff in there. I think I do have one that’s just called gay and that’s just like a bunch of gay stuff that I know is very gay. You’re RuPaul. You’re Todrick Hall. you’re very gay. Saucy Santana. Big Frida. Like, very gay. George Michael. You know, I do have stuff that’s gay. and then, Yeah, I don’t have it quite separated as like gay artists and straight artists, but I have stuff that generally works well at pride events and whatnot, and it is a big mix of stuff. very much a big mix of stuff. And don’t be afraid of a musical number, if you have a couple who likes musicals, do not be afraid of throwing a Defying Gravity on there.

Don’t be afraid of throwing, Make a Man Out of You. Do not be afraid of dropping in an EDM remix of, Let It Go by Idina Menzel, because, The gays love Idina. Don’t be afraid of it at all. I was thinking the sing along with on Rent.

Oh, seasons of love. Yes. It’s a great song. Great cocktail song. A great ending song too. If you got a couple who loves musicals, that’s a great way to end the night. It’s a beautiful song to end.

Straight vs Gay Weddings

I will say that I don’t like the overconfident of well, gay weddings are different than straight weddings. they are they’re not, but they are. So I think it’s about the energy you go in. It’s kind of like people who say I’m colorblind. I don’t see color. okay.

So then you don’t acknowledge any of the history that came to be with all of that. If you are finding yourself being gay weddings are no different than straight weddings, then look at yourself because that’s overconfidence in my opinion. As someone who’s in the community, I can tell you right now that gay weddings are different than, than straight weddings, just for the fact that we have had to fight for it, that fact alone, we had to literally fight for it.

People died. In some of those protests, people died before they could even get married. So my last little soapbox moment. I have actually talked to many wedding planners and I asked the question, what’s your heartwarming moment. And a lot of them say gay weddings for that exact reason that maybe they’ve been together for 40 years.

They’ve never publicly been able to get married. Now they’re able to, so they’re some of the most emotional weddings that they that they do. Mm hmm. It’s a big deal. and that’s something I mentioned literally in the intro zoom and the intro call with my couples is knowing what it means to be able to do that is a big deal.

So I truly think that once you kind of understand that you will have way more better time connecting and just kind of being Oh my God, you’re right. Holy This hasn’t been something everyone can do. This is crazy. It’s just a piece of paper. Actually, I was taken aback when you said 10 years. I’m like, Oh my gosh, only 10 years. Wow. Not even nine, years. That’s insane.

Party Hits

Going back to the music as well. I think that As a DJ, you have to educate yourself in what those party hits are. And those anthem artists, like you were saying, I think of Madonna. I think of Cher. I think of you know, Bette Midler.

I think there’s, there’s just certain artists for the gay community That have been huge hits. It’s kind of like those top tens playing Cher is like playing, earth, wind and fire. You know, there’s just songs that. That like, you might not play, believe that every wedding. You might play September at most of your weddings, but you might not play, believe at every wedding, but you better pay, believe at a gay wedding, right?

You know what I mean? That song is just, and Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, playing born this way at a gay wedding is just like, that is, that’s a staple. I don’t know. It’s you just, you gotta, it’s such an empowering song. Firework by Katy Perry is, it just sometimes hits different.

That’s the thing though, is you could play the same songs or similar songs, but it just, it hits different because of the meaning behind it. and so as for people who are choosing music or they’re nervous about a gay wedding, number one, just communicate, right.

Communicate with yourself about what it means. Educate yourself. Number two, communicate with your couple, about their needs and their wants and how they want to be best represented. And number three, just know the weight of what you’re doing. Know the weight of what you’re doing and, how the meaning of what you play, what you say can be taken.

And not to say walk on eggshells and whatnot, but practice and ask your couples if this is okay to say. Practice things in front of your gay friends, if you have any, or if you don’t reach out to me, I will happily be a sounding board for you if you need to practice some intro stuff or, practice some, and whatnot.

So important, you know, it’s funny. I was going to ask you what the go to party hits were, but we covered that right there. So, Oh, I could, I could give you a couple. So right now it’s good luck, babe by Chappell Roan huge party hit. I would say I want to know if somebody is always going to be a gay party hit for sure.

And then what’s another one that people can really get down to, Oh, I will survive Gloria Gaynor. Those three. There’s a, yep, guaranteed. Guaranteed. Chaperone is just, she’s, that’s like the hottest new queer artist right now, for sure. be on the lookout for the stuff that she puts out, cause it’s gonna be great.

Very cool. So do you have any tips for selecting music or sourcing what’s hot in the community? Yes. Spotify is really great. Spotify is awesome.

There’s so many playlists on there. Just go to a pride, classic pride, modern pride. you can go to hot and fresh, I think pride. I think there’s lots of stuff there. That’s geared towards the alphabet mafia. and then of course, using radio, go to Chappell Roan , hit radio and see what else pops up and that should be able to help you kind of gauge and whatnot.

Seeing similar artists going through them. , it’s going to take some research if you don’t know. You’ve also got. Probably up to two, two and a half hours on a dance floor at a wedding. So you may not be using those, all of those songs that you have, but it’s better to be prepared for any of those moments than to be stuck in and stagnant.

Using your couples. Whatever must play songs they have. and if they have a playlist, have them send it to you, right? They don’t, it’s okay. Use their must plays to kind of gauge from there and pick songs that are matching and matching vibes and, and whatnot. A hundred percent.

Always, always get your hits from your couples. So is there anything that we missed that you want to share? Just be open, be vulnerable and be okay with not knowing, like be okay percent confidence in what you’re doing and be willing to learn from someone and be okay. Not being the smartest person in the room. Be okay. Not being the most emotionally educated person in the room, because that’s truly the way that you’re going to learn and feel the most fulfilled, not just with gay couples, but with all of your couples, every family is different.

Every wedding is different. and at the end of the day, it’s our job to make sure that all of those emotions that happen on that wedding day, okay. Are perceived and received with the most care and love that they can so that they can carry that with them for the rest of their lives. And I will add to that the best DJ, no matter what the wedding is, will play the right song at the right moment.

Connect with Tori

Yes, exactly. To close out, where can listeners connect with you and find you? Oh my gosh. Instagram is the best. I don’t have a brain for anything else. that’s @djtorivee. I’ve got some stuff on TikTok, but I’m not on Tik TOK, but if you follow me, I will follow you back.

We’ll be on a panel together, a DJX, and then I might make an appearance during, Chris Washburn’s presentation at Wedding MBA. So we’ll see about that. Awesome. So being part of Washburn Entertainment, do they book you through the company or they book you directly?

So I’m the VP of the company. So I do a lot of our booking processes and I do a lot of, stuff for us. in that sense. So it is booking through the company, but I’ll sometimes get leads for being just Tori Vee, but for big events, I’m always going through the company just because of insurance and because of the coverage and making sure that, the company gets the branding versus me, I just, I love the company.

Awesome. Well, thanks Tori for being on the show today. Of course. And thanks everybody for listening. Stay tuned for next Thursday morning for another episode of the wedding songs podcast. Have a great day. We love you. Big hugs.